effervescence25

a poem written looooong ago

2009-07-29T18:38:00.004-04:00

Life has peaked at twenty-one
Now there's no where to go
On a journey into a bottomless crevass
Along with a me i don't know

Trading my comfortable skin
For sheer peace and domesticity
I've lost a part of me I loved
I've gained a frustrated peace

I can see myself journey through life
My mind all alone, thirsty all the while
My heart is happy if i think it is
Heart and mind are but two points that make life's line

I talk and talk all the while
Rooms are full of people deaf
I listen to them talk a little while
It's like unknown to me is language itself!

I crave for something I can never have
Cravings have no reasons or thoughts
Yet with all my heart, them I love
They're emotions that give me happy thoughts

Uncomfortably naiive I feel now
Afraid of what others might, in me, see
Scared of myself I always am
When i see in me, what I see

When it comes to judgement in the end
How can I defend me 'gainst myself!
A lot of good in my worst self I see
A little bad I see in the best of me!

PREGNANCY BLUES

2009-07-29T14:59:00.011-04:00

It's been a looong time since my last post and so much has happened in these few months and yet so little. I moved to Phoenix, AZ...completed another trimester of my pregnancy...settled down in a new apartment...made new friends...visited las vegas, grand canyon and san diego...got to see the first pics of my unborn baby's face:)...read a loooot of junk books...and some nice ones...watched some of the worst movies ever!...and yet it's only been 4 months.

Whoever said pregnancy was a wonderful phase in life! I have no real complaints abt it except that your daily activities are impaired, your energy levels are low, u r generally bored with stuff, nothing really interests u and so on and so forth. I blame most of it convenniently on my pregnancy hormones...though i suspect a large part of it has to do with the place u live in.

Having lived in beautiful and scenic places for the last 3yrs...I find the landscape of phoenix very insipid.My hometown in India is famous for its hot climate throught the year but atleast u get to see a lot of greenery.And more importantly it rains there...if not very often atleast often enough. I don't ever remember craving for a few drops of rain like i do now here, in Phoenix. Going on drives at night was something me and ram always looked forward to for the last 3 yrs and we did this religiously without fail everyday. Here i hardly ever feel like it...what's to enjoy on the drives? The AC blast in the car never seems to be enough and looking outside the window makes me feel nostalgic abt big trees...the entire landscape consists of cactuses and stunted trees and bushes, not to mention red mud and sand!!!!!!!!!! Time stands still in this oppressively hot place.The temperatures touch around 115F everyday and my friends here tell me...August is the hottest month in Phoenix! Of course the 115 F everyday feels like 150 F to me (u feel hotter than others do in preg). I believe the weather cools down beginning October and i just can't wait for it to happen.

To make things worse...this is also one of the most unhappening places to live in:( Stepping outdoors before 8 in the night is not an appealing option!Yes u can drive to Las Vegas(5hrs drive) and the Grand canyon(3hrs)..but how many times can u visit these places either?Even if u are the kind to brave the heat and get out, there is hardly any place to go to for recreation...here begins the real problem...whiling away time...

In Nj and Chicago where you find Indian food and Indian stores and Indian movies running almost everywhere, Phoenix being the opposite, feels very foreign and unexciting. The Indian restaurants here serve such bad food , even getting to these places seems a wasted effort!
I seem to feel homesick all the time...thinking of times spent with my sisters and nephews and neices and my mum...all of whom stay in Nj. I long for the variety of indian food u get in Nj. Strangely these days I seem to miss my hometown in India where u never get bored....there's always something happening..a mela or an exhibition/sale of handicrafts...friends u can visit or places u can go...i mean don't all of us love our hometowns for these reasons!

The selection of books in the local library is limited..mostly to junk romantic fiction...although I have managed to find some good Greg Iles books...Unfortunately my preg hormones and the kind of fiction Iles writes have together given me some of the worst and weirdest nightmares ever...so as per mum's advice it's good bye to Iles until later.hmmm...Went to the cinema and watched ' angels and demons' ...no comments on the movie at all...although i must say...it is a loooot better than the hindi and telugu ones and also the other english ones i have been watching.

Most of the times i end up watching 'friends' , 'pride and prejudice' 'emma' or the good hindi and telugu movies already at home. Cooking is an interesting past-time .Following NDTV and watching stuff on youtube are others...infact, posting this piece on the blog is also an attempt to kill time...as u must have already guessed by the length and content...hahahaha

Here's the other thing...so much boredom actually kills any enthusiasm u have for things. I feel like doing something drastic like getting a totally different hair cut...then again i think "what if it flops and i end up looking funny?"...that would be even more depressing...i would then also have to lament everytime i came across a mirror:(

The worst part of it all is that u begin to wonder if u r turing into a morose,boring person little by little, each single day.And the thought that I might wake up one fine day to find my own self uninteresting is really scary.Not having anything productive to do can have that effect, i realised.

Only five things keep me going sane---loads of time with Ram, anticipation about the baby, awaiting mum's arrival,the company of some very good friends and finally the phone!!!!!!!! can't imagine the world without them.Helps me stay in touch with all my friends in India and here!

Now here is the only good part about pregnancy..to me atleast...baby movements and kicks...
Every kick of the baby seems to unfailingly bring a smile to ur face and make u feel very happy and special.And then u automatically end up thinking abt how ur baby would end up looking and it's such a nice feeling it makes all the discomfort worth it!:)I know i sound very cliched but it's really true.

PINK OR BLUE

2009-04-07T23:16:00.002-04:00

The flash of a sign and I think of you
And I think of whether you'll be pink or blue
Red and white did give a life new
Now I wonder if it'll be one or two!
Through you are we to live our childhood anew
To our youth you give a zest, profoundly new

To think you are in me now!
And to think you will grow each day
To think that in eight months we will hold you
Nothing ever gave us such joy but you!

I'm thinking of names already
But none seem worthy of you
These thoughts of you make me so heady
You are our greatest joy come true!

Time is testing my patience already
Wonder how I'll wait so long
But become I will calm, patient and steady
To make you proud that to us you belong!

BIDDING GOODBYE

2009-01-14T10:12:00.000-05:00

A wavering smile and a tear from the eye
Emotions that pile up give an exhausted sigh
Voiceless speech and a heavy heart
Resignation sends a shudder throughout

Anxious eyes that search the face
To recollect it at a future date
Arms that hug and lovingly brace
To feel each other before it’s too late

Lips that smile and quiver
And eyes that shed a tear
Shoulders that weakly shiver
‘Cause of the unavoidable lurking near

Ruthless time seems to race
At twice its controlled real pace
Everything is a blurred daze
At each other we helplessly gaze

Hearts that want to pour out
And minds that can’t speak
Every thought is but a doubt
And every doubt very meek

So much more to be said and done
Bidding goodbye is no fun
Saying it seems the hardest of things
It isn’t really hard, but then it sure is!

2009-01-11T13:15:00.000-05:00

MEMORIES

Memories of bubbling laughter
And of depressing lows
Memories of occasional raptures
And of frightful rows

Memories of wonderful friends
And a sharing of joy and sorrow
Memories of making amends
All for a better tomorrow

Memories of loving sisters
And of fun in clusters
Memories of that essential pair
For you, who are always there

Memories of true encouragement
From very honest a source
Memories of real achievements
Through lanes smooth and coarse

Memories of committing blunders
That change life for worse
Memories of unfathomable wonders
Through lives capricious course

Memories helping us to re-live our yesterdays
Memories preserving and enriching our todays
Memories equipping and inspiring us to face tomorrow
Are true friends, supporting us till the very last morrow